new beginnings

Isaiah and I returned home together October 30th.

I am still processing the trip and all that I saw and experienced in DRC. I can say with ease that it was life changing. I continually catch myself getting anxious and righteous about the benefits of living in America. I grunt and moan when someone cuts me off, I check my watch while i am standing in line waiting on someone to figure out the credit card machine, I complain about grocery shopping and meal preparations...but then I stop. And I remember. I remember the heat, the endless waiting, the smiles, the generous spirits of the many wonderful people I met in DRC. In a place where nothing is easy and nothing can taken for granted, I saw a selflessness that exudes joy and sings welcome and dances at the benefit of an offering. I think in some ways i am trying a little harder to live like i did in Africa.

Isaiah is a joy. He is full of light and happiness. He is funny--his laughter is contagious...deep and raw. He is inquisitive, busy, entertaining, and full of love. Not to say he doesn't have a temper. He often shows his temper to Joshua if he takes a toy from him or trys too hard to "teach" him something... He will also get majorly ticked if i don't rescue him from his room within 3 seconds of his first whimper. Isaiah's love of food can also lead to some angst especially if someone doesn't know his newly added house rule...no one eats alone. He legislates sharing, especially if the food looks like a cookie, french fry or hamburger.

Our pursuit of him didn't make sense. We were struggling. We were broken. We still are in some ways. But God in his rich mercy and his crazy grace has blessed us again and continually promises us that he will never leave us. So thankful to be chosen to be this kid's family.

quiet moment

On Thursday, while Joshua was at preschool, I found myself at home in the quiet. That doesn't happen often around here with two little boys running through our small little home with swords and light sabers. In that quiet space i found myself recounting the last three years and all that God has brought us through. I thought i might share a taste of that here so that if nothing else, i might return here during the tough wait ahead and remember a Faithful Love.


Three years ago in May, we brought home our second son from Ethiopia. Our first months home were rough. Joshua was sick...very sick with multiple infections and a bad case of the big D. i recounted that pretty well here in an earlier post... At the same time my husband was launching his own business. The stress of a nonsleeping baby, an adjusting kindergartner, a tired husband and an exhausted mommy/wife began to take it's toll by the Fall. Marriage took a big hit. I took a hit (and by "hit" i don't mean "drag:). It took us awhile to realize what was going on. During that time, Dave and I became convicted about pursuing another adoption despite our frustrations both personally and as a family. We started the process in January 2009 and then pulled it all in May of 2009--then realizing that our marriage and our kids needed our attention. We did a lot of hard work that summer and fall. I realized unhealthy patterns that i had developed in my relationship with my husband, i learned that i was becoming more of a burden to him than an encourager and friend. And my husband learned his own lessons. I am thankful for those months of "surgery" and recovery because it gave us a new marriage and a new friendship. Although the accident and subsequent break was painful...we have found that we can run more freely today with our heads up and our arms out. So this baby that will hopefully be coming home soon...is such a rich testament to us of how Faithful Love has been to us. We are marking our three year anniversary of Joshua's homecoming and we are preparing for another son. It is indeed a new season, a new family, a new beginning.

Redemption. Faithfulness. Confession. Forgiveness. Love.

little update

I know, it's been awhile. And most of my faithful readers (all three of you!) know how things are progressing but at the benefit of new readers (ok, two...), I want to catch up on the blog.

This journey has been indeed full of ups and downs. The same night that we recieved the call about Atou we were asked to adopt another little baby boy. We felt like we must move forward. We can't run and hide or put our heads in the sand...another child need us to stand for him. So we called the next day and said, yes, we will take him. About ten days later we got our first set of pictures. He is adorable. He is currently about 6-9 months. He officially bears our last name as the adoption is complete by the DRC. His name is Isaiah Matthew Mardoche...Mardoche is his Congolese name. It derives from Mordicai and means, "warrior." gotta love that! And our little warrior...we found our yesterday...sucks his thumb! Love it!

On February 14th it all came unraveling. Our plans to adopt the baby boy we named Justice...fell apart. I think it's hard for some people to understand what it feels like when plans take drastic turns in the middle of an adoption. All I can really say is that it is heartbreaking and no matter how it happens and what the circumstances...there is guilt. Immense guilt. For weeks we studied the two pictures we were given of this beautiful little man. We cried and prayed when we found out he was very sick with malaria. We rejoiced upon his healing several days later. We prayed for his growth and that he would know he is loved. We shared his pictures with our boys and dreamed about his arrival and what life he would bring into our family. We wondered what kind of brother he would be...and if he would try to keep up with Joshua. We dreamed and talked about him everyday. When you get that referral, when you see those pictures...you give your heart to that child. What do we do now? The guilt comes from not being able to do anything. The guilt floods in because I know that this little baby is still an orphan. For sure i have wanted to crawl into a hole on many occassions these last few weeks but I have felt God pulling me out and moving us forward. Never forgetting Justice Atou. But calling us into his loving arms to trust his plan for all of us. He is close to the brokenhearted. I believe that Jesus's heart is for the orphans of this world. His heart is for Justice Atou.

I have struggled so much with even the name that we gave Atou...Justice. We believe that God desires justice and mercy in this world...but where is the justice for the orphans? Who will speak for them? Justice Atou is but one...but uniquely designed in the image of God and given a life with purpose. I may never understand why this happened to us...or even more why this happened to Justice. But i tend to think it is part of the burden that lays heavy on my heart...the burden for children who are alone in this world. May my prayers for you, Justice, cradle you throughout your life. I will never forget you.

ramble on

I read a great book a few months ago that really resonated with me. You know how I said I have always loved to read...well, this book dares you to live your life like a great story. This means taking chances. The author talked about the ways that he has stepped out of his normal life. Not long ago he and several folks he didn't even know rode their bicycles across the country to raise awareness for their charity. He spoke of his apprehension before the trip--his fears (traveling across the country with strangers, his own athleticism, safety), his hopes-and near the end of the book, you celebrate his accomplishment, his new friendships, his effort and success. The book also chronicles the writer's life as a story bc a film is in production about his life. So much of the book is the writer thinking through both the good and bad moments wondering how they would have turned out if he had made a different choice or stuck his neck out further. The book was an easy read. I think i read it in two days. But the meaning beyond the pages was inspiring and motivating and powerful.

For some reason, often times when it comes to my life, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I want to curl up with a cozy blanket when I sit on my couch and watch a movie. I want to have coffee with friends and hear how much they love me. I want to go on dates with my husband--see a movie, laugh, eat dinner together, have great sex. I want my kids to do well in school, to be happy, to obey. I want to take vacations and wear semi-fashionable clothes. I want to be full from dinner but still have chocolate cake for dessert.

But imagine if you had to read about that character in a book. Imagine if my life or yours went just like that--no trials or mountains to climb...no victories or mountaintop views! I will also add...would we even recognize Jesus in the midst of all that fluff and comfort? Oh, it might sound enviable for a while but after twenty pages or so you would being hating her and wondering, ok, when does real life come in and knock her down? What is she going to do? What is she going to rise above? This isn't real! But what if I decided to turn it up a bit...turn comfort on it's head and dare--to forgive someone who has deeply hurt me and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt, face to face. To allow myself to feel the pain of my past with hot tears and frustration and then offer it to the One who has saved me. To skip a meal in order to run an errand for a friend or help out someone in need. To make a phone call to ask someone for help or even prayer. To share with my husband the ways that he has hurt me and ask him to share with me the ways that I have hurt him. To risk rejection and reach out to those who have shunned me in the past. To allow myself to be vulnerable and real with those around me at the risk of sounding weak or stupid--especially my husband and my family. To hug someone who is unloveable. To risk disappointing someone I love in order to do what is right. To invite strangers for dinner knowing that I will not impress them with my cooking. To dare to live without fear. To choose to step out into the broken places of others lives while exposing my own brokenness. To sign up for a marathon knowing that today i wouldn't make it around the block. To step out in faith knowing that God will never leave me. To travel to the Congo to bring a child i have never met into our lives forever.

I am not tooting my own horn here about traveling to the Congo and bringing home our son...i am scared! I have never been to a place referred to as, "hell on earth." I have sooo many worries...some are legit, some are downright outlandish. I am nervous about traveling without Dave or a friend---needing someone to process this emotional journey with each moment. I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep while i am there. I am scared my malaria pills won't work. I am not really scared of rats (I have heard that they will be my roommates) but I don't like them! nor do I enjoy extreme heat (Congo seems to live in the 90s each and every day). I am a little bit afraid of how my hair will look with no products, hair dryer or curling iron! I'm afraid of what my stomach will do--must pack lots of toliet paper! I am nervous about meeting my son for the first time. I am scared that he will be afraid of me (who wouldn't?). I am scared of what I will see there. I am even scared of how this trip will change me or what God will call me to do b/c of what my eyes have seen.

Although I have fears--I will press on. I will step up to this roller coaster, sit down and buckle in. You might hear me screaming on this first incline but I will remember a few things...that my God is with me. That he is putting our family together for his purposes and that I can find rest in his care. And hopefully, when the time comes, I will be enjoying the adventure and living out this great story! so...please pray for me. for our family. for our son, Justice.

Run for Congo Women

www.runforcongowomen.org

Check out this page for ways to help women of the Congo. Don't forget to click on the video and watch the story of Lisa Shannon. She is in the Congo now seeing firsthand the terror of the LRA and the strength of so many Congolese women. She is blogging and updating via facebook every day. She is an ordinary women that could not keep silent or still once she heard of the atrocities and innocent victims in eastern Congo. She is also writing a book that is set for release in April. Become facebook friends with her. Read her updates. Let your heart break.

I am hoping to sign up for the Run for Congo Women run in Chicago. The date is TBA. Wouldn't it be fun to run as a team?

Brokenhearted.

I am an avid reader. Always have been. I simply love to read. The last fifteen years, most of my fiction and non fiction have centered around the continent of Africa. I never felt like I knew everything about Africa. But I was pretty pleased with the knowledge I had acquired and happy to share with anyone who would listen to histories and stories that never seem to make to it the front page. But two years ago my hubris took a nose dive when I uncovered the atrocities of the DRC.

Many of you know that we began our adoption process in the DRC over a year ago...stopped for several months to regroup...and then began again in November of 2009. Throughout the last year, I have tried to read and research the history and happenings of the Congo. I say "tried" purposely here because in all my reading I have never struggled so intensely with the desire to put it down and pick up something lighter than when I read about both the past and PRESENT struggles of the Congo. I still wrestle today. I believe that God desires us to have our hearts broken for the Congo. I believe the DRC is the most forgotten and ignored country in the world. While I was delighted to see the huge and magnificent response to the earthquake in Haiti...I kept wondering, what is the world's response to the Congo?

over 6 million people have died since 1996 due to conflict in the DRC
malaria kills over 400 children every day
6 out of 10 children die before their 5th birthday
sexual violence against women and female children is worse than anywhere else in the world

I became "friends" on facebook recently with a young college student named Kambale Musavuli. He is part of a college tour to engage students in this battle for the Congo. He came up with these startling facts:

Every two days 9-11 happens in the Congo.
Every five months the death toll of the 2004 Indonesian Tsunami happens in the Congo.
Every five months Dafur happens in the Congo.

Why are we so ignorant?

The UN calls the conflict in the Congo the deadliest since WWII. With 45, 000 people dying each month...why do we not know? We have the Internet...we have immediate access to news and sports scores but we do not know this?

Much of this battle is for the riches found in the Congo soil...those minerals that are used to make our cell phones. Since 1996 over six million people have been killed...millions of women and children raped and tortured so that we can buy ringtones and send text messages. (yes, i have a cell phone...I look at it differently today...i just don't understand.)

I continually find myself both startled and downright ashamed.

I have kept away from sharing stats about Africa to motivate families to adopt from Africa. Adoption and what i am sharing today are VERY different things. I believe that we are all told to care for orphans and widows but I question if everyone is "called" to adopt. I think there are loads of questions you have to ask yourself if you want to adopt. Adoption is not the answer to this. What I am hoping for here is awareness of a humanitarian CRISIS and TRAGEDY. And for me, I became aware of this while reading about the birth country of my son.