Moment of Surrender

As I scrambled out the door after dinner one night I had no idea that I would return to a new life. I was happy to get out even if it was just for a few minutes. It had been a long day with the boys and I had a lot on my mind. I was planning to leave the next morning for a little road trip with friends to see U2 in Atlanta. I was excited beyond belief but my mind was scrambled and going a million different directions. Dave graciously volunteered to work two half days to be with the boys but every detail from school, to homework, to uniforms and swim lessons would need to be written down. After dinner I remembered that I didn't have anything to pack for Toby's lunch the next day. I quickly got everyone going upstairs, kids in the tub and jetted out the door to the grocery. So when I finally filled my basket and was ready to checkout...it somehow didn't surprise me that I had forgotten my wallet. I jumped in the car, irritated with myself, and drove home as quickly as could make it down Mass Ave with all of it's ill timed lights to retrieve my wallet. As I was driving, Dave called. He said Toby had something to tell me...Toby took the phone and shared with me in his shy and quiet voice that he asked Jesus into his heart with Daddy. They had prayed together. Whoa. I was a little floored. We spent much of May thru September at our own house church...with the TV on. And as I shared earlier...the last couple of years didn't really have a peaceful God is love feel to them all the time. Despite our best efforts during that time our kids felt strangeness between Dave and I. Toby in particular knew there was stuff going on. We wanted to hide it from them but all we could say to them was, "we are working on it, you didn't do anything wrong, we need our friends and we need God to work in our lives." Somehow in the midst of the greatest spiritual and emotional turmoil Dave and I have ever experienced...God was working in our son's heart. He was drawing him to Himself and doing work in Toby's life that we could not, no matter how much we wanted it or how hard we tried. So this morning as Toby took communion for the first time I couldn't hold back the tears. Humbled Again by a Faithful and Redeeming Love.

If I believe that i am broken and yet fail to see the bigger picture that Jesus is offering in the redeemption of my pain and sin...i will miss the joy of serving him and the calling of my life. I believe that Jesus came not just to save us; he came with a fiery sword of justice, an indomitable heart of compassion for the weak and a power to awake the dead so that life may be made new.

god vs. God

I have a friend that doesn't believe in God. She believes in a less personal power/force in this universe...not like the God preached in the church she attended in high school--the same church that she was too scared to turn to while facing an unplanned pregnancy and later a painful and lonely abortion during her high school years. A few weeks ago, her husband woke her early one morning to tell her that he has been hiding a drug addiction for over a year and that he needs help. She was floored by the news and never saw this blow coming. Immediately they checked him into a rehabilitation facility to help get him off drugs and to show him how to live again. After the shock subsided my firend found her heart flooded with emotions...fear (what if he does this again?), anger (how much money was wasted on this? you were lying to me!), and love (i want to help him get better, i am going to stand by him through this). My friend said that she is learning a lot about forgiveness...what it means to truly love someone and how incapable she has been to forgive in the past. She believes that this situation will allow her to grow into a more forgiving person and to love more freely.

How is it that i can say that i believe in a personal and loving God/Father that has a great plan for my life but often times spit frustration and hatred into his face when the turmoil comes in? My friend says she doesn't even believe in God...and yet this impersonal force is going to great lengths to teach her lessons that could reconcile her past and give beauty and redemption to the relationships she has today. Her hands are open and she is receiving this consquence to pain as a great gift.

Open my hands, God. And open my heart.

looking ahead

toby and i were taking a walk the other day and i started asking him what he wants to be when he grows up and what kind of girl he might marry...

toby: i want to marry i girl that is golf
me: oh, a girl that plays golf, that's cool.
toby: no! a girl that is GOTH! i want to be a vampire when i grow up!
me: Wow!

for the record, he did say that he would be a good vampire and chase all the bad guys. he said his only super power would be that he can turn into a bat.

i have to say, i didn't see any of this coming...guess that's what we have to look forward to.

maine

what you didn't see...

endless crying about the heat

1001 trips to the toilet, some necessary, some not

$500 spent on bottled water, popcorn, soda, candy and anything else that will keep a 3 year old happy

musical chairs in order to keep the boys from fighting each other

the constant chasing of our runaway toddler...

ahh the great american ballpark.

go cubs!

rooster the pony

let the brainwashing begin. one more shot to create a horse lover.

edited version...

this trip was a blast. boys LOVED every minute of it. Joshua braved Splash Mtn, Thunder Mtn, and anything else he could get onto! He loved seeing Mickey Mouse and thought Fantasmic was the most amazing event in his life thus far. Toby was fearless on Everest and enjoyed sharing the adventures with his little brother. it was pretty hilarious!

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/02/portraits_from_the_congo.html

be sure to check this out--more later.

AZ

Last week I tagged along with Dave to a CLE in Scottsdale, AZ. While Dave was stuck in a windowless, fluroescent lighted room all day...i ventured out to Tonto Forest to ride horses in the desert. I have to say it was one of my favorite rides ever. The cacti (dave swears this is the plural for cactus) and flowers were breathtaking. And the smell in the air...it was so light and clean...i want a ranch in AZ! The first day out we rode along the rim of nearby mountains. I saw numerous birds and new plantlife but perhaps the most exciting discovery was the rattlesnake that had coiled itself under a shrub along the trail. I was able to get a close up look at him while he rattled and stuck his tongue out at me...it was awesome! I later found out that my horse that day, Rock and Roll, has been bitten by snakes SIX times! Apparently, horses can be treated pretty easily...good thing.

After my ride on Thursday, Dave and I drove back down to this little town on the reserve so that I could show Dave some nature and he could catch a breath of the amazing desert air. While we were driving down we saw a couple of coyotes run across the road in front of us (did i mention Dave got us a convertable?:) . I love animals, nature and the landscape of AZ. Yes, I still want to be a cowgirl!

Friday the conference continued...and so did my horseback riding adventure. This time I rode into a canyon on Nudge. She was a great mare...quick step, alert (always looking around for any beasts that might eat us...including the ever present quail), spunky...great horse. Again, another fun day for me. Later that afternoon we drove to Sedona...a beautiful town--what I like to refer to as the "Bar Harbor" of AZ...but worth seeing nevertheless! We took a Jeep tour of the red rocks. It was fun to get out and see more of the ever changing landscape. Where I had been hot all day riding horses...the elevation was dramactically different in Sedona and we were freezing...i love that!

Saturday was Dave's favorite day as we tipped back a few beers and hotdogs at the Cubs spring training game. It was great to see the old favorites as well as the new prospects... There is always hope.

This was a great trip for me in so many ways. February proved to be a hard month as I battled kidney stones, a little surgery, and the worst cold (sinus, ear infection) i have ever had. I was not being the mom i wanted to be and found myself desparate for a break and time away with Dave. Although Dave was busy most of the time it was challenging and fun to get away by myself and ask, "What do i want to do today?" Horseback riding was first on the list. It was indeed odd to find myself alone and with nothing to do for a few days but i quickly "found myself" and managed to have a great time!

25 Random Things about ME

1. E.B. White wrote me a letter when i was ten...it's framed in my living room.
2. Although i love my family immensely, i would still like a room of my own sometimes.
3. I feel most like myself when i am in Maine.
4. If i could go to dinner with a famous person...i would invite Bishop Desmond Tutu.
5. In junior high I really wanted to have braces like all the cool kids. But when my dentist told me last year that i might need to have them because of my jaw...i said i would rather eat through a straw.
6. I wish i was a writer--with a great editor b/c my punctuation and spelling sucks.
7. If I can't be a writer then i want to be a cowboy.
8. My favorite book and movie is Cry the Beloved Country.
9. I used to love the NBA but now i think they are just a bunch of thugs. I still love Magic though!
10. My husband is the first boy i dated that was shorter than me.
11. I love to go to movies but i have a really hard time sitting still. I just want it to be over so i can say how much i liked it.
12. The best beer i have ever had was at Goose Island in Wrigleyville...it was called Cubbie Berry Blue.
13. I have a bit of wanderlust.
14. I connected with my best friend from second grade on facebook. she is still hilarious and super smart.
15. I love having old friends and I am in awe that they still love me. thank you, stasia.
16. I like to dip Doritoes in sour cream.
17. If I hadn't gotten engaged i was supposed to go work on a dude ranch.
18. I am going to do my best to not talk about Africa in this list.
19. When I was five, I thought the song, "sara smile" by Darryl Hall and John Oats was about me.
20. When i tried to play "Batman and Robin" with my older brother, i was always Alfred.
21. Yes, my sister has quadruplets. And yes, they are super cool.
22. I love it when people think my kids look like me:)
23. I know how to ask for a cold coke in swahili.
24. My favorite emotion is laughter through tears.
25. I married my best friend.

january 20th, 2009

Today Joshua and I went to Toby's class to watch the inauguration with Toby's first grade class. It was a wonderful moment to share with my two sons. The kids caught the enthusiasm of the moment cheering each time the camera showed Obama and you could see the curiosity in their eyes as they watched Malia and Sasha Obama stand up with their parents while our new President took his oath of office. What would it be like to see all this through the eyes of a child? What would it be like if your daddy was the President? As a mother, I am SOOO glad Dave is not the President...there is no telling what Joshua would have done while the world was watching...just the thought of having to stand up in front of the nation...and the world...with a precocious toddler makes me feel a little sick.

I feel blessed to live in a country where the transfer of powers is peaceful, where the President promises to serve the people of this country ( both rich and poor). It was a historic moment for all people. I am thankful that my boys will grow up in a country that strives for equality for all people. They can be anything they want to be. May the Lord guide their hearts and minds.

May God bless Barack Obama!

urban sledding= sledding down the highway embankments at the soccer fields

very fun time:)

2009

Confession: I tend to spend too much time on facebook. I love catching up with old friends, seeing all their photos of kids and vacations, i love quick little notes to buddies, and status updates. Sometimes, i actually have to walk away from the computer to help someone or get something done...when i return i hit the refresh button. When i do that, a new list of status updates appears or possibly a wall post for me...my point, is that everything changes. the list of status updates changes and moves on to new things.
there were so many times last year that i wanted to hit refresh...see changes instantly...not live in the place where i was. 2008 proved to be the hardest of my adult life. spiritual questions/frustrations, kid issues, marriage stuff, death. not the year i wanted to ring in on December 31, 2007. but somehow with the turning of the calendar...i feel a bit of refreshment. i made it. our family made it. we had the help of a few close friends. and whether i realized it at the time...the presence of a faithful God.
I will readily admit that our problems are not solved. there is more work to be done. and certainly, 2009 will bring it's own unique pain and glory but i am a tiny bit stronger now, and possibly a little bit braver too, to live this life. we have new ideas and projects on the horizon. we have seen our sons progress and have renewed our marriage vows. i am hopeful and thankful that God is here in 2009. my faith may have been shaken down to it's foundation...but my foundation is on Christ and His presence in my life.