new beginnings

Isaiah and I returned home together October 30th.

I am still processing the trip and all that I saw and experienced in DRC. I can say with ease that it was life changing. I continually catch myself getting anxious and righteous about the benefits of living in America. I grunt and moan when someone cuts me off, I check my watch while i am standing in line waiting on someone to figure out the credit card machine, I complain about grocery shopping and meal preparations...but then I stop. And I remember. I remember the heat, the endless waiting, the smiles, the generous spirits of the many wonderful people I met in DRC. In a place where nothing is easy and nothing can taken for granted, I saw a selflessness that exudes joy and sings welcome and dances at the benefit of an offering. I think in some ways i am trying a little harder to live like i did in Africa.

Isaiah is a joy. He is full of light and happiness. He is funny--his laughter is contagious...deep and raw. He is inquisitive, busy, entertaining, and full of love. Not to say he doesn't have a temper. He often shows his temper to Joshua if he takes a toy from him or trys too hard to "teach" him something... He will also get majorly ticked if i don't rescue him from his room within 3 seconds of his first whimper. Isaiah's love of food can also lead to some angst especially if someone doesn't know his newly added house rule...no one eats alone. He legislates sharing, especially if the food looks like a cookie, french fry or hamburger.

Our pursuit of him didn't make sense. We were struggling. We were broken. We still are in some ways. But God in his rich mercy and his crazy grace has blessed us again and continually promises us that he will never leave us. So thankful to be chosen to be this kid's family.

quiet moment

On Thursday, while Joshua was at preschool, I found myself at home in the quiet. That doesn't happen often around here with two little boys running through our small little home with swords and light sabers. In that quiet space i found myself recounting the last three years and all that God has brought us through. I thought i might share a taste of that here so that if nothing else, i might return here during the tough wait ahead and remember a Faithful Love.


Three years ago in May, we brought home our second son from Ethiopia. Our first months home were rough. Joshua was sick...very sick with multiple infections and a bad case of the big D. i recounted that pretty well here in an earlier post... At the same time my husband was launching his own business. The stress of a nonsleeping baby, an adjusting kindergartner, a tired husband and an exhausted mommy/wife began to take it's toll by the Fall. Marriage took a big hit. I took a hit (and by "hit" i don't mean "drag:). It took us awhile to realize what was going on. During that time, Dave and I became convicted about pursuing another adoption despite our frustrations both personally and as a family. We started the process in January 2009 and then pulled it all in May of 2009--then realizing that our marriage and our kids needed our attention. We did a lot of hard work that summer and fall. I realized unhealthy patterns that i had developed in my relationship with my husband, i learned that i was becoming more of a burden to him than an encourager and friend. And my husband learned his own lessons. I am thankful for those months of "surgery" and recovery because it gave us a new marriage and a new friendship. Although the accident and subsequent break was painful...we have found that we can run more freely today with our heads up and our arms out. So this baby that will hopefully be coming home soon...is such a rich testament to us of how Faithful Love has been to us. We are marking our three year anniversary of Joshua's homecoming and we are preparing for another son. It is indeed a new season, a new family, a new beginning.

Redemption. Faithfulness. Confession. Forgiveness. Love.

little update

I know, it's been awhile. And most of my faithful readers (all three of you!) know how things are progressing but at the benefit of new readers (ok, two...), I want to catch up on the blog.

This journey has been indeed full of ups and downs. The same night that we recieved the call about Atou we were asked to adopt another little baby boy. We felt like we must move forward. We can't run and hide or put our heads in the sand...another child need us to stand for him. So we called the next day and said, yes, we will take him. About ten days later we got our first set of pictures. He is adorable. He is currently about 6-9 months. He officially bears our last name as the adoption is complete by the DRC. His name is Isaiah Matthew Mardoche...Mardoche is his Congolese name. It derives from Mordicai and means, "warrior." gotta love that! And our little warrior...we found our yesterday...sucks his thumb! Love it!

On February 14th it all came unraveling. Our plans to adopt the baby boy we named Justice...fell apart. I think it's hard for some people to understand what it feels like when plans take drastic turns in the middle of an adoption. All I can really say is that it is heartbreaking and no matter how it happens and what the circumstances...there is guilt. Immense guilt. For weeks we studied the two pictures we were given of this beautiful little man. We cried and prayed when we found out he was very sick with malaria. We rejoiced upon his healing several days later. We prayed for his growth and that he would know he is loved. We shared his pictures with our boys and dreamed about his arrival and what life he would bring into our family. We wondered what kind of brother he would be...and if he would try to keep up with Joshua. We dreamed and talked about him everyday. When you get that referral, when you see those pictures...you give your heart to that child. What do we do now? The guilt comes from not being able to do anything. The guilt floods in because I know that this little baby is still an orphan. For sure i have wanted to crawl into a hole on many occassions these last few weeks but I have felt God pulling me out and moving us forward. Never forgetting Justice Atou. But calling us into his loving arms to trust his plan for all of us. He is close to the brokenhearted. I believe that Jesus's heart is for the orphans of this world. His heart is for Justice Atou.

I have struggled so much with even the name that we gave Atou...Justice. We believe that God desires justice and mercy in this world...but where is the justice for the orphans? Who will speak for them? Justice Atou is but one...but uniquely designed in the image of God and given a life with purpose. I may never understand why this happened to us...or even more why this happened to Justice. But i tend to think it is part of the burden that lays heavy on my heart...the burden for children who are alone in this world. May my prayers for you, Justice, cradle you throughout your life. I will never forget you.

ramble on

I read a great book a few months ago that really resonated with me. You know how I said I have always loved to read...well, this book dares you to live your life like a great story. This means taking chances. The author talked about the ways that he has stepped out of his normal life. Not long ago he and several folks he didn't even know rode their bicycles across the country to raise awareness for their charity. He spoke of his apprehension before the trip--his fears (traveling across the country with strangers, his own athleticism, safety), his hopes-and near the end of the book, you celebrate his accomplishment, his new friendships, his effort and success. The book also chronicles the writer's life as a story bc a film is in production about his life. So much of the book is the writer thinking through both the good and bad moments wondering how they would have turned out if he had made a different choice or stuck his neck out further. The book was an easy read. I think i read it in two days. But the meaning beyond the pages was inspiring and motivating and powerful.

For some reason, often times when it comes to my life, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I want to curl up with a cozy blanket when I sit on my couch and watch a movie. I want to have coffee with friends and hear how much they love me. I want to go on dates with my husband--see a movie, laugh, eat dinner together, have great sex. I want my kids to do well in school, to be happy, to obey. I want to take vacations and wear semi-fashionable clothes. I want to be full from dinner but still have chocolate cake for dessert.

But imagine if you had to read about that character in a book. Imagine if my life or yours went just like that--no trials or mountains to climb...no victories or mountaintop views! I will also add...would we even recognize Jesus in the midst of all that fluff and comfort? Oh, it might sound enviable for a while but after twenty pages or so you would being hating her and wondering, ok, when does real life come in and knock her down? What is she going to do? What is she going to rise above? This isn't real! But what if I decided to turn it up a bit...turn comfort on it's head and dare--to forgive someone who has deeply hurt me and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt, face to face. To allow myself to feel the pain of my past with hot tears and frustration and then offer it to the One who has saved me. To skip a meal in order to run an errand for a friend or help out someone in need. To make a phone call to ask someone for help or even prayer. To share with my husband the ways that he has hurt me and ask him to share with me the ways that I have hurt him. To risk rejection and reach out to those who have shunned me in the past. To allow myself to be vulnerable and real with those around me at the risk of sounding weak or stupid--especially my husband and my family. To hug someone who is unloveable. To risk disappointing someone I love in order to do what is right. To invite strangers for dinner knowing that I will not impress them with my cooking. To dare to live without fear. To choose to step out into the broken places of others lives while exposing my own brokenness. To sign up for a marathon knowing that today i wouldn't make it around the block. To step out in faith knowing that God will never leave me. To travel to the Congo to bring a child i have never met into our lives forever.

I am not tooting my own horn here about traveling to the Congo and bringing home our son...i am scared! I have never been to a place referred to as, "hell on earth." I have sooo many worries...some are legit, some are downright outlandish. I am nervous about traveling without Dave or a friend---needing someone to process this emotional journey with each moment. I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep while i am there. I am scared my malaria pills won't work. I am not really scared of rats (I have heard that they will be my roommates) but I don't like them! nor do I enjoy extreme heat (Congo seems to live in the 90s each and every day). I am a little bit afraid of how my hair will look with no products, hair dryer or curling iron! I'm afraid of what my stomach will do--must pack lots of toliet paper! I am nervous about meeting my son for the first time. I am scared that he will be afraid of me (who wouldn't?). I am scared of what I will see there. I am even scared of how this trip will change me or what God will call me to do b/c of what my eyes have seen.

Although I have fears--I will press on. I will step up to this roller coaster, sit down and buckle in. You might hear me screaming on this first incline but I will remember a few things...that my God is with me. That he is putting our family together for his purposes and that I can find rest in his care. And hopefully, when the time comes, I will be enjoying the adventure and living out this great story! so...please pray for me. for our family. for our son, Justice.

Run for Congo Women

www.runforcongowomen.org

Check out this page for ways to help women of the Congo. Don't forget to click on the video and watch the story of Lisa Shannon. She is in the Congo now seeing firsthand the terror of the LRA and the strength of so many Congolese women. She is blogging and updating via facebook every day. She is an ordinary women that could not keep silent or still once she heard of the atrocities and innocent victims in eastern Congo. She is also writing a book that is set for release in April. Become facebook friends with her. Read her updates. Let your heart break.

I am hoping to sign up for the Run for Congo Women run in Chicago. The date is TBA. Wouldn't it be fun to run as a team?

Brokenhearted.

I am an avid reader. Always have been. I simply love to read. The last fifteen years, most of my fiction and non fiction have centered around the continent of Africa. I never felt like I knew everything about Africa. But I was pretty pleased with the knowledge I had acquired and happy to share with anyone who would listen to histories and stories that never seem to make to it the front page. But two years ago my hubris took a nose dive when I uncovered the atrocities of the DRC.

Many of you know that we began our adoption process in the DRC over a year ago...stopped for several months to regroup...and then began again in November of 2009. Throughout the last year, I have tried to read and research the history and happenings of the Congo. I say "tried" purposely here because in all my reading I have never struggled so intensely with the desire to put it down and pick up something lighter than when I read about both the past and PRESENT struggles of the Congo. I still wrestle today. I believe that God desires us to have our hearts broken for the Congo. I believe the DRC is the most forgotten and ignored country in the world. While I was delighted to see the huge and magnificent response to the earthquake in Haiti...I kept wondering, what is the world's response to the Congo?

over 6 million people have died since 1996 due to conflict in the DRC
malaria kills over 400 children every day
6 out of 10 children die before their 5th birthday
sexual violence against women and female children is worse than anywhere else in the world

I became "friends" on facebook recently with a young college student named Kambale Musavuli. He is part of a college tour to engage students in this battle for the Congo. He came up with these startling facts:

Every two days 9-11 happens in the Congo.
Every five months the death toll of the 2004 Indonesian Tsunami happens in the Congo.
Every five months Dafur happens in the Congo.

Why are we so ignorant?

The UN calls the conflict in the Congo the deadliest since WWII. With 45, 000 people dying each month...why do we not know? We have the Internet...we have immediate access to news and sports scores but we do not know this?

Much of this battle is for the riches found in the Congo soil...those minerals that are used to make our cell phones. Since 1996 over six million people have been killed...millions of women and children raped and tortured so that we can buy ringtones and send text messages. (yes, i have a cell phone...I look at it differently today...i just don't understand.)

I continually find myself both startled and downright ashamed.

I have kept away from sharing stats about Africa to motivate families to adopt from Africa. Adoption and what i am sharing today are VERY different things. I believe that we are all told to care for orphans and widows but I question if everyone is "called" to adopt. I think there are loads of questions you have to ask yourself if you want to adopt. Adoption is not the answer to this. What I am hoping for here is awareness of a humanitarian CRISIS and TRAGEDY. And for me, I became aware of this while reading about the birth country of my son.

my backyard friends saved the day

Wow, what a day. And I don't mean because of the snow. Last Friday Joshua said he wanted to sit on the couch intead of running around playing...clearly, this meant he was sick. This week Toby was sick. Dave was sick. Today, i am sick. argh. SUPER sore and swollen throat. headache. body aches. yikes. Thank God for Backyardigans. While I tried to sleep and rest, Joshua had a marathon of Tasha, Pablo, Uniqua and Tyrone. I could hear him singing every now and then and periodically he would run upstairs and give me the low down on what the Backyardigans were up to. Joshua really doesn't like to watch TV or movies but the Backyardigans are a completely different story. He really was great. The dog that would not leave me alone, the dog that kept laying on me in my own bed...not so great.

It was three years ago today (i think!) that we first laid eyes on a picture of Joshua Tariku. It was a very snowy day, much like today, when I drove to pick Toby up from PreK. Huge snowflakes were falling as I walked Toby to our car and told him the good news--you have a brother and here is his picture! In the photo, Joshua looked like a very serious baby...no smile or even expression...it's like he was trying to trick us b/c he is nothing BUT expressive and energetic! Joshua is full of life. He has certainly kept me on my toes and has blessed our family in too many ways to count.

On a sidenote, we missed our first call...the one we had been waiting for...from our agency. We were in the RCA dome with the Colts celebrating their Superbowl win! It wasn't until the next morning that I finally heard from our social worker again and recieved the email with his information. So...here's to another Colts victory...and another Castor!

deep breathing

I am trying to be productive during the wait. Working out helps...but i don't generally "want" to do it... Listening to good music REALLY helps me. Reading is pretty good too...writing a little helps...but i don't feel much like talking about it. It's kinda weird but talking makes me walk down paths of worry. I find myself talking through possible solutions to problems we don't have yet...like how to get into DRC without going through SA during the World Cup or what if he doesn't sleep orwhat if he doesn't prefer babyGAP and wants a sweatshirt with cartoon characters on it?--kidding. Seriously, i don't need to borrow worries at this point. It's something that i am learning...a habit i am kicking to the curb!

Justice

One would think that if we had completed two adoptions we wouldn't be too emotional getting through the third. Yeah, well, that one is dead wrong. Already this is proving to be quite a wild ride. I first saw our baby's picture on the 12th of January...hello! (as Joshua would say) that feels like forever ago! I am desparately waiting for our CIS appointment for biometrics...praying that after we have that appt we can beg some kind soul from CIS to expedite our case. Waiting just doesn't get any easier.

Preparations are underway upstairs. I have finally managed to get Joshua fully moved into Toby's room and things are looking pretty good. I am working on painting the baby room and the furniture...it's all looking a bit shabby after two...

And of course, we had to come up with a name pretty quick...so if you don't know...here it is...
Justice--b/c of God's desire for mercy and justice in this world (micah 6:8)
Atou Tsasa--his Congolese name
Matthew--after Dave's sweet younger brother

Big name for a little guy...

MLK and a Baby in the Congo

I know i am probably the last person that should have a blog. I write in my journal but sometimes I delay updating here...and then there's facebook. Anywoo, there is much going on in the our family these days. We are currently, and I mean TODAY, preparing our documents for the adoption of another boy! We are ridiculously excited. Yes, indeed we have been through a lot the last two years. I have even shared some of that here. But we worship a redeeming God that rescues us from the pit and indeed, i feel rescued. I can honestly say that I don't lament the scars I bear. I know I am broken but I rejoice in my redeemption and perfect Love that sustains me. Whoops, got a little side tracked. I say all that to say, the timing of this gift was so unexpected but we stand here so thankful and amazed. So, our son will be coming home from the Democratic Republic of the Congo--hopefully before summer! He is a beautiful boy and I simply cannot wait to snuggle this kid.

The boys are excited...they love seeing his picture and thinking of how we will all sit in the car and wondering if we will take him to Disney World (not for a few YEARS! seriously, i hear you snickering.) The only saddness came when Joshua realized he would not be able to name his baby brother, GoDiegoGo. I know, i am a mean mom.

Today is MLKjr day. I am so humbled and in awe of those who literally lay down their lives for the benefit of others. My family would not be here today if it weren't for men like MLK who's passion and purpose could not be contained or thwarted by the evils of this world. Thank you, Martin Luther King, Jr. You have changed us forever. Thank you, God, for bringing Justice. May your work continue.

Moment of Surrender

As I scrambled out the door after dinner one night I had no idea that I would return to a new life. I was happy to get out even if it was just for a few minutes. It had been a long day with the boys and I had a lot on my mind. I was planning to leave the next morning for a little road trip with friends to see U2 in Atlanta. I was excited beyond belief but my mind was scrambled and going a million different directions. Dave graciously volunteered to work two half days to be with the boys but every detail from school, to homework, to uniforms and swim lessons would need to be written down. After dinner I remembered that I didn't have anything to pack for Toby's lunch the next day. I quickly got everyone going upstairs, kids in the tub and jetted out the door to the grocery. So when I finally filled my basket and was ready to checkout...it somehow didn't surprise me that I had forgotten my wallet. I jumped in the car, irritated with myself, and drove home as quickly as could make it down Mass Ave with all of it's ill timed lights to retrieve my wallet. As I was driving, Dave called. He said Toby had something to tell me...Toby took the phone and shared with me in his shy and quiet voice that he asked Jesus into his heart with Daddy. They had prayed together. Whoa. I was a little floored. We spent much of May thru September at our own house church...with the TV on. And as I shared earlier...the last couple of years didn't really have a peaceful God is love feel to them all the time. Despite our best efforts during that time our kids felt strangeness between Dave and I. Toby in particular knew there was stuff going on. We wanted to hide it from them but all we could say to them was, "we are working on it, you didn't do anything wrong, we need our friends and we need God to work in our lives." Somehow in the midst of the greatest spiritual and emotional turmoil Dave and I have ever experienced...God was working in our son's heart. He was drawing him to Himself and doing work in Toby's life that we could not, no matter how much we wanted it or how hard we tried. So this morning as Toby took communion for the first time I couldn't hold back the tears. Humbled Again by a Faithful and Redeeming Love.

If I believe that i am broken and yet fail to see the bigger picture that Jesus is offering in the redeemption of my pain and sin...i will miss the joy of serving him and the calling of my life. I believe that Jesus came not just to save us; he came with a fiery sword of justice, an indomitable heart of compassion for the weak and a power to awake the dead so that life may be made new.

god vs. God

I have a friend that doesn't believe in God. She believes in a less personal power/force in this universe...not like the God preached in the church she attended in high school--the same church that she was too scared to turn to while facing an unplanned pregnancy and later a painful and lonely abortion during her high school years. A few weeks ago, her husband woke her early one morning to tell her that he has been hiding a drug addiction for over a year and that he needs help. She was floored by the news and never saw this blow coming. Immediately they checked him into a rehabilitation facility to help get him off drugs and to show him how to live again. After the shock subsided my firend found her heart flooded with emotions...fear (what if he does this again?), anger (how much money was wasted on this? you were lying to me!), and love (i want to help him get better, i am going to stand by him through this). My friend said that she is learning a lot about forgiveness...what it means to truly love someone and how incapable she has been to forgive in the past. She believes that this situation will allow her to grow into a more forgiving person and to love more freely.

How is it that i can say that i believe in a personal and loving God/Father that has a great plan for my life but often times spit frustration and hatred into his face when the turmoil comes in? My friend says she doesn't even believe in God...and yet this impersonal force is going to great lengths to teach her lessons that could reconcile her past and give beauty and redemption to the relationships she has today. Her hands are open and she is receiving this consquence to pain as a great gift.

Open my hands, God. And open my heart.

looking ahead

toby and i were taking a walk the other day and i started asking him what he wants to be when he grows up and what kind of girl he might marry...

toby: i want to marry i girl that is golf
me: oh, a girl that plays golf, that's cool.
toby: no! a girl that is GOTH! i want to be a vampire when i grow up!
me: Wow!

for the record, he did say that he would be a good vampire and chase all the bad guys. he said his only super power would be that he can turn into a bat.

i have to say, i didn't see any of this coming...guess that's what we have to look forward to.

maine

what you didn't see...

endless crying about the heat

1001 trips to the toilet, some necessary, some not

$500 spent on bottled water, popcorn, soda, candy and anything else that will keep a 3 year old happy

musical chairs in order to keep the boys from fighting each other

the constant chasing of our runaway toddler...

ahh the great american ballpark.

go cubs!

rooster the pony

let the brainwashing begin. one more shot to create a horse lover.

edited version...

this trip was a blast. boys LOVED every minute of it. Joshua braved Splash Mtn, Thunder Mtn, and anything else he could get onto! He loved seeing Mickey Mouse and thought Fantasmic was the most amazing event in his life thus far. Toby was fearless on Everest and enjoyed sharing the adventures with his little brother. it was pretty hilarious!

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/02/portraits_from_the_congo.html

be sure to check this out--more later.