Moment of Surrender

As I scrambled out the door after dinner one night I had no idea that I would return to a new life. I was happy to get out even if it was just for a few minutes. It had been a long day with the boys and I had a lot on my mind. I was planning to leave the next morning for a little road trip with friends to see U2 in Atlanta. I was excited beyond belief but my mind was scrambled and going a million different directions. Dave graciously volunteered to work two half days to be with the boys but every detail from school, to homework, to uniforms and swim lessons would need to be written down. After dinner I remembered that I didn't have anything to pack for Toby's lunch the next day. I quickly got everyone going upstairs, kids in the tub and jetted out the door to the grocery. So when I finally filled my basket and was ready to checkout...it somehow didn't surprise me that I had forgotten my wallet. I jumped in the car, irritated with myself, and drove home as quickly as could make it down Mass Ave with all of it's ill timed lights to retrieve my wallet. As I was driving, Dave called. He said Toby had something to tell me...Toby took the phone and shared with me in his shy and quiet voice that he asked Jesus into his heart with Daddy. They had prayed together. Whoa. I was a little floored. We spent much of May thru September at our own house church...with the TV on. And as I shared earlier...the last couple of years didn't really have a peaceful God is love feel to them all the time. Despite our best efforts during that time our kids felt strangeness between Dave and I. Toby in particular knew there was stuff going on. We wanted to hide it from them but all we could say to them was, "we are working on it, you didn't do anything wrong, we need our friends and we need God to work in our lives." Somehow in the midst of the greatest spiritual and emotional turmoil Dave and I have ever experienced...God was working in our son's heart. He was drawing him to Himself and doing work in Toby's life that we could not, no matter how much we wanted it or how hard we tried. So this morning as Toby took communion for the first time I couldn't hold back the tears. Humbled Again by a Faithful and Redeeming Love.

If I believe that i am broken and yet fail to see the bigger picture that Jesus is offering in the redeemption of my pain and sin...i will miss the joy of serving him and the calling of my life. I believe that Jesus came not just to save us; he came with a fiery sword of justice, an indomitable heart of compassion for the weak and a power to awake the dead so that life may be made new.

god vs. God

I have a friend that doesn't believe in God. She believes in a less personal power/force in this universe...not like the God preached in the church she attended in high school--the same church that she was too scared to turn to while facing an unplanned pregnancy and later a painful and lonely abortion during her high school years. A few weeks ago, her husband woke her early one morning to tell her that he has been hiding a drug addiction for over a year and that he needs help. She was floored by the news and never saw this blow coming. Immediately they checked him into a rehabilitation facility to help get him off drugs and to show him how to live again. After the shock subsided my firend found her heart flooded with emotions...fear (what if he does this again?), anger (how much money was wasted on this? you were lying to me!), and love (i want to help him get better, i am going to stand by him through this). My friend said that she is learning a lot about forgiveness...what it means to truly love someone and how incapable she has been to forgive in the past. She believes that this situation will allow her to grow into a more forgiving person and to love more freely.

How is it that i can say that i believe in a personal and loving God/Father that has a great plan for my life but often times spit frustration and hatred into his face when the turmoil comes in? My friend says she doesn't even believe in God...and yet this impersonal force is going to great lengths to teach her lessons that could reconcile her past and give beauty and redemption to the relationships she has today. Her hands are open and she is receiving this consquence to pain as a great gift.

Open my hands, God. And open my heart.

looking ahead

toby and i were taking a walk the other day and i started asking him what he wants to be when he grows up and what kind of girl he might marry...

toby: i want to marry i girl that is golf
me: oh, a girl that plays golf, that's cool.
toby: no! a girl that is GOTH! i want to be a vampire when i grow up!
me: Wow!

for the record, he did say that he would be a good vampire and chase all the bad guys. he said his only super power would be that he can turn into a bat.

i have to say, i didn't see any of this coming...guess that's what we have to look forward to.

maine

what you didn't see...

endless crying about the heat

1001 trips to the toilet, some necessary, some not

$500 spent on bottled water, popcorn, soda, candy and anything else that will keep a 3 year old happy

musical chairs in order to keep the boys from fighting each other

the constant chasing of our runaway toddler...

ahh the great american ballpark.

go cubs!

rooster the pony

let the brainwashing begin. one more shot to create a horse lover.