On February 14th it all came unraveling. Our plans to adopt the baby boy we named Justice...fell apart. I think it's hard for some people to understand what it feels like when plans take drastic turns in the middle of an adoption. All I can really say is that it is heartbreaking and no matter how it happens and what the circumstances...there is guilt. Immense guilt. For weeks we studied the two pictures we were given of this beautiful little man. We cried and prayed when we found out he was very sick with malaria. We rejoiced upon his healing several days later. We prayed for his growth and that he would know he is loved. We shared his pictures with our boys and dreamed about his arrival and what life he would bring into our family. We wondered what kind of brother he would be...and if he would try to keep up with Joshua. We dreamed and talked about him everyday. When you get that referral, when you see those pictures...you give your heart to that child. What do we do now? The guilt comes from not being able to do anything. The guilt floods in because I know that this little baby is still an orphan. For sure i have wanted to crawl into a hole on many occassions these last few weeks but I have felt God pulling me out and moving us forward. Never forgetting Justice Atou. But calling us into his loving arms to trust his plan for all of us. He is close to the brokenhearted. I believe that Jesus's heart is for the orphans of this world. His heart is for Justice Atou.

I have struggled so much with even the name that we gave Atou...Justice. We believe that God desires justice and mercy in this world...but where is the justice for the orphans? Who will speak for them? Justice Atou is but one...but uniquely designed in the image of God and given a life with purpose. I may never understand why this happened to us...or even more why this happened to Justice. But i tend to think it is part of the burden that lays heavy on my heart...the burden for children who are alone in this world. May my prayers for you, Justice, cradle you throughout your life. I will never forget you.

ramble on

I read a great book a few months ago that really resonated with me. You know how I said I have always loved to read...well, this book dares you to live your life like a great story. This means taking chances. The author talked about the ways that he has stepped out of his normal life. Not long ago he and several folks he didn't even know rode their bicycles across the country to raise awareness for their charity. He spoke of his apprehension before the trip--his fears (traveling across the country with strangers, his own athleticism, safety), his hopes-and near the end of the book, you celebrate his accomplishment, his new friendships, his effort and success. The book also chronicles the writer's life as a story bc a film is in production about his life. So much of the book is the writer thinking through both the good and bad moments wondering how they would have turned out if he had made a different choice or stuck his neck out further. The book was an easy read. I think i read it in two days. But the meaning beyond the pages was inspiring and motivating and powerful.

For some reason, often times when it comes to my life, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I want to curl up with a cozy blanket when I sit on my couch and watch a movie. I want to have coffee with friends and hear how much they love me. I want to go on dates with my husband--see a movie, laugh, eat dinner together, have great sex. I want my kids to do well in school, to be happy, to obey. I want to take vacations and wear semi-fashionable clothes. I want to be full from dinner but still have chocolate cake for dessert.

But imagine if you had to read about that character in a book. Imagine if my life or yours went just like that--no trials or mountains to climb...no victories or mountaintop views! I will also add...would we even recognize Jesus in the midst of all that fluff and comfort? Oh, it might sound enviable for a while but after twenty pages or so you would being hating her and wondering, ok, when does real life come in and knock her down? What is she going to do? What is she going to rise above? This isn't real! But what if I decided to turn it up a bit...turn comfort on it's head and dare--to forgive someone who has deeply hurt me and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt, face to face. To allow myself to feel the pain of my past with hot tears and frustration and then offer it to the One who has saved me. To skip a meal in order to run an errand for a friend or help out someone in need. To make a phone call to ask someone for help or even prayer. To share with my husband the ways that he has hurt me and ask him to share with me the ways that I have hurt him. To risk rejection and reach out to those who have shunned me in the past. To allow myself to be vulnerable and real with those around me at the risk of sounding weak or stupid--especially my husband and my family. To hug someone who is unloveable. To risk disappointing someone I love in order to do what is right. To invite strangers for dinner knowing that I will not impress them with my cooking. To dare to live without fear. To choose to step out into the broken places of others lives while exposing my own brokenness. To sign up for a marathon knowing that today i wouldn't make it around the block. To step out in faith knowing that God will never leave me. To travel to the Congo to bring a child i have never met into our lives forever.

I am not tooting my own horn here about traveling to the Congo and bringing home our son...i am scared! I have never been to a place referred to as, "hell on earth." I have sooo many worries...some are legit, some are downright outlandish. I am nervous about traveling without Dave or a friend---needing someone to process this emotional journey with each moment. I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep while i am there. I am scared my malaria pills won't work. I am not really scared of rats (I have heard that they will be my roommates) but I don't like them! nor do I enjoy extreme heat (Congo seems to live in the 90s each and every day). I am a little bit afraid of how my hair will look with no products, hair dryer or curling iron! I'm afraid of what my stomach will do--must pack lots of toliet paper! I am nervous about meeting my son for the first time. I am scared that he will be afraid of me (who wouldn't?). I am scared of what I will see there. I am even scared of how this trip will change me or what God will call me to do b/c of what my eyes have seen.

Although I have fears--I will press on. I will step up to this roller coaster, sit down and buckle in. You might hear me screaming on this first incline but I will remember a few things...that my God is with me. That he is putting our family together for his purposes and that I can find rest in his care. And hopefully, when the time comes, I will be enjoying the adventure and living out this great story! so...please pray for me. for our family. for our son, Justice.

Run for Congo Women

www.runforcongowomen.org

Check out this page for ways to help women of the Congo. Don't forget to click on the video and watch the story of Lisa Shannon. She is in the Congo now seeing firsthand the terror of the LRA and the strength of so many Congolese women. She is blogging and updating via facebook every day. She is an ordinary women that could not keep silent or still once she heard of the atrocities and innocent victims in eastern Congo. She is also writing a book that is set for release in April. Become facebook friends with her. Read her updates. Let your heart break.

I am hoping to sign up for the Run for Congo Women run in Chicago. The date is TBA. Wouldn't it be fun to run as a team?

Brokenhearted.

I am an avid reader. Always have been. I simply love to read. The last fifteen years, most of my fiction and non fiction have centered around the continent of Africa. I never felt like I knew everything about Africa. But I was pretty pleased with the knowledge I had acquired and happy to share with anyone who would listen to histories and stories that never seem to make to it the front page. But two years ago my hubris took a nose dive when I uncovered the atrocities of the DRC.

Many of you know that we began our adoption process in the DRC over a year ago...stopped for several months to regroup...and then began again in November of 2009. Throughout the last year, I have tried to read and research the history and happenings of the Congo. I say "tried" purposely here because in all my reading I have never struggled so intensely with the desire to put it down and pick up something lighter than when I read about both the past and PRESENT struggles of the Congo. I still wrestle today. I believe that God desires us to have our hearts broken for the Congo. I believe the DRC is the most forgotten and ignored country in the world. While I was delighted to see the huge and magnificent response to the earthquake in Haiti...I kept wondering, what is the world's response to the Congo?

over 6 million people have died since 1996 due to conflict in the DRC
malaria kills over 400 children every day
6 out of 10 children die before their 5th birthday
sexual violence against women and female children is worse than anywhere else in the world

I became "friends" on facebook recently with a young college student named Kambale Musavuli. He is part of a college tour to engage students in this battle for the Congo. He came up with these startling facts:

Every two days 9-11 happens in the Congo.
Every five months the death toll of the 2004 Indonesian Tsunami happens in the Congo.
Every five months Dafur happens in the Congo.

Why are we so ignorant?

The UN calls the conflict in the Congo the deadliest since WWII. With 45, 000 people dying each month...why do we not know? We have the Internet...we have immediate access to news and sports scores but we do not know this?

Much of this battle is for the riches found in the Congo soil...those minerals that are used to make our cell phones. Since 1996 over six million people have been killed...millions of women and children raped and tortured so that we can buy ringtones and send text messages. (yes, i have a cell phone...I look at it differently today...i just don't understand.)

I continually find myself both startled and downright ashamed.

I have kept away from sharing stats about Africa to motivate families to adopt from Africa. Adoption and what i am sharing today are VERY different things. I believe that we are all told to care for orphans and widows but I question if everyone is "called" to adopt. I think there are loads of questions you have to ask yourself if you want to adopt. Adoption is not the answer to this. What I am hoping for here is awareness of a humanitarian CRISIS and TRAGEDY. And for me, I became aware of this while reading about the birth country of my son.

my backyard friends saved the day

Wow, what a day. And I don't mean because of the snow. Last Friday Joshua said he wanted to sit on the couch intead of running around playing...clearly, this meant he was sick. This week Toby was sick. Dave was sick. Today, i am sick. argh. SUPER sore and swollen throat. headache. body aches. yikes. Thank God for Backyardigans. While I tried to sleep and rest, Joshua had a marathon of Tasha, Pablo, Uniqua and Tyrone. I could hear him singing every now and then and periodically he would run upstairs and give me the low down on what the Backyardigans were up to. Joshua really doesn't like to watch TV or movies but the Backyardigans are a completely different story. He really was great. The dog that would not leave me alone, the dog that kept laying on me in my own bed...not so great.

It was three years ago today (i think!) that we first laid eyes on a picture of Joshua Tariku. It was a very snowy day, much like today, when I drove to pick Toby up from PreK. Huge snowflakes were falling as I walked Toby to our car and told him the good news--you have a brother and here is his picture! In the photo, Joshua looked like a very serious baby...no smile or even expression...it's like he was trying to trick us b/c he is nothing BUT expressive and energetic! Joshua is full of life. He has certainly kept me on my toes and has blessed our family in too many ways to count.

On a sidenote, we missed our first call...the one we had been waiting for...from our agency. We were in the RCA dome with the Colts celebrating their Superbowl win! It wasn't until the next morning that I finally heard from our social worker again and recieved the email with his information. So...here's to another Colts victory...and another Castor!

deep breathing

I am trying to be productive during the wait. Working out helps...but i don't generally "want" to do it... Listening to good music REALLY helps me. Reading is pretty good too...writing a little helps...but i don't feel much like talking about it. It's kinda weird but talking makes me walk down paths of worry. I find myself talking through possible solutions to problems we don't have yet...like how to get into DRC without going through SA during the World Cup or what if he doesn't sleep orwhat if he doesn't prefer babyGAP and wants a sweatshirt with cartoon characters on it?--kidding. Seriously, i don't need to borrow worries at this point. It's something that i am learning...a habit i am kicking to the curb!

Justice

One would think that if we had completed two adoptions we wouldn't be too emotional getting through the third. Yeah, well, that one is dead wrong. Already this is proving to be quite a wild ride. I first saw our baby's picture on the 12th of January...hello! (as Joshua would say) that feels like forever ago! I am desparately waiting for our CIS appointment for biometrics...praying that after we have that appt we can beg some kind soul from CIS to expedite our case. Waiting just doesn't get any easier.

Preparations are underway upstairs. I have finally managed to get Joshua fully moved into Toby's room and things are looking pretty good. I am working on painting the baby room and the furniture...it's all looking a bit shabby after two...

And of course, we had to come up with a name pretty quick...so if you don't know...here it is...
Justice--b/c of God's desire for mercy and justice in this world (micah 6:8)
Atou Tsasa--his Congolese name
Matthew--after Dave's sweet younger brother

Big name for a little guy...