ramble on

I read a great book a few months ago that really resonated with me. You know how I said I have always loved to read...well, this book dares you to live your life like a great story. This means taking chances. The author talked about the ways that he has stepped out of his normal life. Not long ago he and several folks he didn't even know rode their bicycles across the country to raise awareness for their charity. He spoke of his apprehension before the trip--his fears (traveling across the country with strangers, his own athleticism, safety), his hopes-and near the end of the book, you celebrate his accomplishment, his new friendships, his effort and success. The book also chronicles the writer's life as a story bc a film is in production about his life. So much of the book is the writer thinking through both the good and bad moments wondering how they would have turned out if he had made a different choice or stuck his neck out further. The book was an easy read. I think i read it in two days. But the meaning beyond the pages was inspiring and motivating and powerful.

For some reason, often times when it comes to my life, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I want to curl up with a cozy blanket when I sit on my couch and watch a movie. I want to have coffee with friends and hear how much they love me. I want to go on dates with my husband--see a movie, laugh, eat dinner together, have great sex. I want my kids to do well in school, to be happy, to obey. I want to take vacations and wear semi-fashionable clothes. I want to be full from dinner but still have chocolate cake for dessert.

But imagine if you had to read about that character in a book. Imagine if my life or yours went just like that--no trials or mountains to climb...no victories or mountaintop views! I will also add...would we even recognize Jesus in the midst of all that fluff and comfort? Oh, it might sound enviable for a while but after twenty pages or so you would being hating her and wondering, ok, when does real life come in and knock her down? What is she going to do? What is she going to rise above? This isn't real! But what if I decided to turn it up a bit...turn comfort on it's head and dare--to forgive someone who has deeply hurt me and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt, face to face. To allow myself to feel the pain of my past with hot tears and frustration and then offer it to the One who has saved me. To skip a meal in order to run an errand for a friend or help out someone in need. To make a phone call to ask someone for help or even prayer. To share with my husband the ways that he has hurt me and ask him to share with me the ways that I have hurt him. To risk rejection and reach out to those who have shunned me in the past. To allow myself to be vulnerable and real with those around me at the risk of sounding weak or stupid--especially my husband and my family. To hug someone who is unloveable. To risk disappointing someone I love in order to do what is right. To invite strangers for dinner knowing that I will not impress them with my cooking. To dare to live without fear. To choose to step out into the broken places of others lives while exposing my own brokenness. To sign up for a marathon knowing that today i wouldn't make it around the block. To step out in faith knowing that God will never leave me. To travel to the Congo to bring a child i have never met into our lives forever.

I am not tooting my own horn here about traveling to the Congo and bringing home our son...i am scared! I have never been to a place referred to as, "hell on earth." I have sooo many worries...some are legit, some are downright outlandish. I am nervous about traveling without Dave or a friend---needing someone to process this emotional journey with each moment. I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep while i am there. I am scared my malaria pills won't work. I am not really scared of rats (I have heard that they will be my roommates) but I don't like them! nor do I enjoy extreme heat (Congo seems to live in the 90s each and every day). I am a little bit afraid of how my hair will look with no products, hair dryer or curling iron! I'm afraid of what my stomach will do--must pack lots of toliet paper! I am nervous about meeting my son for the first time. I am scared that he will be afraid of me (who wouldn't?). I am scared of what I will see there. I am even scared of how this trip will change me or what God will call me to do b/c of what my eyes have seen.

Although I have fears--I will press on. I will step up to this roller coaster, sit down and buckle in. You might hear me screaming on this first incline but I will remember a few things...that my God is with me. That he is putting our family together for his purposes and that I can find rest in his care. And hopefully, when the time comes, I will be enjoying the adventure and living out this great story! so...please pray for me. for our family. for our son, Justice.