On February 14th it all came unraveling. Our plans to adopt the baby boy we named Justice...fell apart. I think it's hard for some people to understand what it feels like when plans take drastic turns in the middle of an adoption. All I can really say is that it is heartbreaking and no matter how it happens and what the circumstances...there is guilt. Immense guilt. For weeks we studied the two pictures we were given of this beautiful little man. We cried and prayed when we found out he was very sick with malaria. We rejoiced upon his healing several days later. We prayed for his growth and that he would know he is loved. We shared his pictures with our boys and dreamed about his arrival and what life he would bring into our family. We wondered what kind of brother he would be...and if he would try to keep up with Joshua. We dreamed and talked about him everyday. When you get that referral, when you see those pictures...you give your heart to that child. What do we do now? The guilt comes from not being able to do anything. The guilt floods in because I know that this little baby is still an orphan. For sure i have wanted to crawl into a hole on many occassions these last few weeks but I have felt God pulling me out and moving us forward. Never forgetting Justice Atou. But calling us into his loving arms to trust his plan for all of us. He is close to the brokenhearted. I believe that Jesus's heart is for the orphans of this world. His heart is for Justice Atou.

I have struggled so much with even the name that we gave Atou...Justice. We believe that God desires justice and mercy in this world...but where is the justice for the orphans? Who will speak for them? Justice Atou is but one...but uniquely designed in the image of God and given a life with purpose. I may never understand why this happened to us...or even more why this happened to Justice. But i tend to think it is part of the burden that lays heavy on my heart...the burden for children who are alone in this world. May my prayers for you, Justice, cradle you throughout your life. I will never forget you.